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When I Had To Admit My Dad To A Senior Care Home – Conclusion
My father was now in an elderly care faciility and we were faced the the decision of whether to prolong life or not.
This is the conclusion of a two-part series about Farhan's decision to admit his ailing father to an elderly care home.
*To read part one, where Farhan discusses the cultural versus medical battle that occurred when he was deliberating the thought of admitting his ailing father to an elderly care home, please click here.
I never imagined that one day I would be sitting in a room with doctors and my family to discuss palliative care management for my dad. Our hearts sat heavy with the news. Dad’s condition was declining and they were not optimistic about his prognosis. It was a painful scene. Dad was refusing to eat, he slept a lot and barely opened his eyes. Our fear was that he was starving. He hadn’t eaten a full meal for days. The doctors were concerned that he could aspirate on his food because his swallowing muscles were now very weak. They presented us the option of insert a feeding tube. This would involve a small surgery and there were risks associated with the procedure. Though quite empathic the doctors were also very frank: As a family we needed to decide if we were going to prolong dad's life or not.
Placing dad in a nursing home was hard enough. The thought of making a life or death decision was almost too much to bare. We knew that we had done everything possible for dad. We got him to his appointments, whatever treatments he needed and we even managed to get to a near impossible family wedding, which meant a five-hour flight to Vancouver in June of 2014. Despite the odds, we made sure that his last days were memorable for him but also for us. To own the responsibility of his life or death was by far the hardest of all our challenges. What were we going to do? How would this affect my mom? What if we made the wrong decision? These were only some of the questions that went through my mind.
Relying on my South Asian cultural heritage was not enough to help me at this point. I had to go deeper and I turned to my spiritual beliefs. It was always based in the trust and faith of a supreme being that had guided me through every obstacle in my life. And I was certain it wasn’t going to fail me now. I prayed and prayed and asked for signs. Since dad's illness, I kept seeing the image of a lighthouse on TV, ads, paintings including on dad’s floor in the hospital. It was always the same lighthouse, white with a red top. Only this time its appearance increased dramatically. When visibility is poor due to fog a ship will look for a lighthouse to help guide it’s way back to shore. My guidance had appeared. This situation with dad was like the fog. It was heavy, dense and filled with emotions that made clarity difficult. I felt like any ship that was lost but the appearance of the lighthouse gave me faith. I knew that no matter the outcome I would be guided through this.
In one of the rare moments that dad was awake I knew I had been given a chance to speak with him. Trusting my guidance and asking that the right words come to me I walked into his room and sat down on the edge of his bed. I told him what the doctors had said. I asked him if he wanted the feeding tube? His answer was “No.” And then, holding my breath, I asked him if he wanted to go to God now? His answer was “Yes.” I knew without a doubt that he had reached a point where he was ready to leave his physical body. He was tired from all the poking, tests, appointments, drugs and the physical and emotional impact it had all had on him. Dad was tired. He had enough. I got my answer. This is what dad wanted and I was going to support his decision. After a long deep breath I exhaled and left his room.
The next day dad’s oncologist called wanting to know our decision. I told him what transpired with dad and he agreed it was the right thing to do. There would be no more aggressive treatment and we would make dad as comfortable as possible. A few days later dad peacefully transitioned in his sleep. Though nothing can really prepare you for the loss of any loved one, especially a parent, I do feel at peace knowing that we were able to honour dad’s wishes. The hard part was accepting his right to his death. I felt blessed that in the end dad was able to make his own decision. I also feel blessed that I had the opportunity to help dad with his transition by supporting what he wanted. I can’t say that it was an easy place to be in my life but I do feel gratitude because dad no longer suffered in his last days. His nurse said his passing was one of the most peaceful ones she had ever witnessed. That brought me a great deal of comfort. I knew with all my heart that I was at peace but that more importantly so was my dad.
Main Image Photo Credit: North York General Hospital
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Farhan Dhalla
Author
Spiritual Personal Trainer, Angel Therapist, Author, Television Personality Farhan is the world’s first Spiritual Personal Trainer. Farhan believes we can only succeed in any our life goals when we are in alignment with our spiritual Self. Farhan uses unique techniques to he...
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