Culture / What Pisses Me Off: People Who Love To Stir The Pot

What Pisses Me Off: People Who Love To Stir The Pot

Culture Aug 21, 2020

by Rachna Sethi

I love a good culinary experience but when I say “stir the pot” I’m not taking about mixing your favourite stove-top dish; I’m referring to people who love to cook up drama.

What Pisses Me Off: People Who Love To Stir The Pot

Unfortunately, most of us know a few “chefs,” who just love instigating problems, arguments, spreading rumours, gossip and/or more. These “pot-stirrers” seem to live for and thrive off the things not going perfectly for other people. They tend to create tension, negativity or drama for their own entertainment. Realistically, some of you reading may even play the role of pot-stirrer (aka, “master chef”) and if so, I urge you to hang up your apron. Why? Because it’s been an extra rough year for many people around the world. Adulting is hard enough these days so what’s really pissing me off, are people who continue to create and/or instigate drama.

We all do or have engaged in a little intentional and/or unintentional pot-stirring at times (myself included, especially during my teenage years). Even those of us committed to trying to be as open minded as possible, judge and gossip on occasion. The good news is, we can (and should), work on these behaviours and put conscious effort into evolving past them. To clarify, this post isn’t about people engaging in this behaviour once in awhile (no one is perfectly kind 24/7). It’s about people who thrive off pot-stirring. People who, far to often, get excited about picking up a spoon, stirring the pot, creating a situation that boils over and then gleefully step back to watch others deal with a mess.

Why is it important to stop and/or encourage others to stop stirring the pot?

Even when done with no harmful intentions, what we say to others, when we gossip, get involved in things that aren’t our business, voice opinions that create tension and/or escalate a situation, it can really impact people’s lives. No one can deny the heavy weight that’s come down on the shoulders of people around the world this year and with such real challenges, the last thing we all need is unnecessary drama. Since the global COVID-19 pandemic, (which is just one of the hardships in 2020), mental health is on a decline in several countries including (but not limited to), Canada and the United States. In India mental health has deteriorated so badly since the lock-down, it’s being declared by many as a crisis. With depression, anxiety, feelings of isolation and suicide increasing, it’s critical that we treat each other with kindness and compassion.

What can you do if you have a pot-stirrer in your life?

Stop inviting them to your table; it’s better to eat alone than eat in bad company.

It’s hard to pinpoint why some people are regular pot-stirrers, perhaps it’s insecurity, boredom, fear, a lack of purpose in their life but it’s not necessarily your job to figure that out. If someone is repeatedly creating drama, cut your losses and move on. That may sound cold but if someone keeps bringing heat into your life, don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your own mental well-being.

What if the “pot-stirrer” is someone that’s difficult to cut out (e.g. family or a co-worker)?

Use mindful communication to express how you feel in certain situations. Don’t be accusatory or they will get on the defensive which will create more drama for you. Be gentle but prepared with some examples. I can’t emphasis this enough, explain how their behavior impacts you. Say for example you’ve gotten into a falling out with a friend and another mutual friend (the “pot-stirrer”), keeps bringing it up the fight to try to “resolve” it (but really, it’s just adding fuel to the fire). Don’t accuse them of stirring the pot, instead, try something like “I appreciate your intention may be to help but it’s not helping me. I need time to clear my mind and it would be helpful if we talked about something else,” then change the topic. Sometimes explaining your feelings may not prevent them from trying to bait you. If that’s the case, slowly, peacefully and respectfully, begin to distance yourself (as much as you can).

What if the “pot-stirrer doesn’t bring you drama, just gossips and or causes drama in the lives of other people?

First off, people who love spreading gossip and or creating drama, need an audience to talk about it with so as an active listener, you may not be stirring the pot, but you’re handing them the spoon. If you’re not part of the solution, own that you’re part in the problem.

Secondly, if they are comfortable talking to you about others, keep in mind, there’s a chance they are talking about you to others too. Shut the conversation down and steer it in a more compassionate and/or productive direction. Once the “pot-stirrer” notices you’re not engaging, they will either adjust to follow your lead and discuss other topics or they will be the ones to distance themselves from you – a victory for you either way.

What if you’re a “pot-stirrer?”

First off, it’s not easy to admit that we are not perfect, and/or behave with a lack of compassion ate times so I applaud you for your awareness. If you feel a pull to instigate drama and/or gossip, try stopping in that moment and take a few deep breathes. Notice the pull and self reflect on why you think it’s there (What’s your intention? What is the purpose of what you’re about to say and/or do? Is it helpful or is it harmful? Is there a void or issue in your own life that is you’re trying to distract yourself from?).

After you self-reflect, make a conscious effort to re-direct that energy into something that contributes positively to your life (e.g. journal, exercise, read, etc.) or, the life of someone else (e.g. volunteer, write someone a note of appreciation, etc.). Changing our habits is not easy – it can feel heavy, but if we can do so in a way to help make someone’s day a little lighter, it’s worth it. Life is beautiful but it can be really hard at times too, let’s not make it harder for each other.

Main Image Photo Credit: www.quotesgram.com

Rachna Sethi

Author

Rachna (@thesassyspiritual) is a graduate of the Applied Mindfulness Meditation program from the University of Toronto, a certified Educator with two bachelor degrees and a diploma in Art Therapy. She's dedicated to living with a compassionate approach. Committed to helping people integrate Mindfuln...

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