Culture / What Pisses Me Off: Grieving The Loss Of My Dad During COVID-19

What Pisses Me Off: Grieving The Loss Of My Dad During COVID-19

Culture Jul 09, 2020

by Meena Khan | Features Editor - Beauty

COVID-19 has caused incalculable grief … losing a beloved parent and not being able to partake in the regular rituals compounds it. Here is my my grieving journey and the lessons I’ve learned on to handle grieving during COVID-19.

What Pisses Me Off: Grieving The Loss Of My Dad During COVID-19

On April 20, 2020 my father died of stage IV gastric cancer. Looking back on the day that he was buried, April 21, 2020, the saddest moment was neither when I looked at him in his casket one final time nor when I threw dirt on same a few hours later. Rather it was when we came home and my cousins stood on the opposite side of the street. Due to COVID-19 restrictions, they could not hug me or come near me, and in that moment I felt like my heart was placed in a chokehold. They reluctantly left, and my mother and I entered a silent house which used to be a home when my dad was alive.

During the days that followed, I punched my dad’s hospital bed (which was stationed in our home) and I yelled at my mother for nonsensical reasons. I was angry and lonely, and I just wanted my dad to come home. He promised me that he would live for several more years because he knew I needed him. My family and I walked on eggshells, and we all wondered if the situation would have been slightly more palatable had we been able to grieve in the normal way whereby people would visit, and we could reminisce together. I will never know that because we are still in the midst of the pandemic and I have learned to grieve wearing a grey coat.

**What Pisses Me Off: Grieving The Loss Of My Dad During COVID-19: Grieving during this unique time was challenging.** Photo Credit: Tim Goedhart/Unsplash

MY GREY COAT

Each day I get up and for a moment I feel whole, like my dad was nearby and he would start yelling out for chai. The blissful moment always passes too quickly, and I then put on my grey coat. It is an invisible garment that changes in size throughout the day. While I work and exercise it is fairly loose but sometimes the coat gets caught around my legs and I remember that I will never see my dad again. At night, when I am alone in my room and I have nothing to do, the coat becomes tight and grips me in a sadness that defies description. I wear that coat until I fall asleep, and I cannot share it with my mother or brother because they have their own coats. I cannot even lend it for a moment to family friends because up until recently, they were not allowed into our house due to COVID-19.

GRIEVING 2 METRES A PART IS HELPFUL

I only began to ascertain what I had lost in terms of the grieving process when I met my aunt and an old family friend on Eid and we sat outside and talked about my dad. My dad’s old friend recounted his bachelor days in Calcutta and my aunt shared stories of what he was like when he first arrived in Canada in 1968. I felt like I was peeking into my dad’s diary and it was refreshing to see him discussed in terms of youth, rather than those of sickness. It was on Eid when I understood that I would have been comforted by learning about my dad’s life PM (pre-marriage). My advice is, that if you know a family that is grieving during COVID-19, and they are open to talking, organize a teleconference and share old pictures and your stories of the departed person. Memories are like a healing salve on a broken heart.

YOU HELP WHEN YOU ACTUALLY HELP

My dad was a social butterfly and he loved his friends. He knew friends meant home cooked South Asian fare, great laughs and lively debate. My dad, as he got older, wanted his friends to stay later and later, and I suspect that this was in part to compensate for the discipline of his youth when he had to reduce his fun to have enough time to work and to take care of his family. He was deeply saddened when his friends could no longer visit him. I suspect that the loss of their company harkened his death because they could no longer strengthen him with their presence. My dad understood that we all had to do our part to stop the spread of the virus but I knew how it impacted his soul. One of the most common comments that I have heard is how people were frustrated that they could not physically comfort us. I have responded to this comment by explaining that my dad understood the restrictions and that our family is not offended.

I think a better way to express support is to focus on what you can do, rather than on what cannot be done. I suggest that you acknowledge the strangeness of not being able to pay respects in person and then proceed to paying respects via phone or teleconference. I would prefer to hear how much you loved my father than your regrets.

REINFORCE THAT THERE IS NO TEMPLATE FOR GRIEF

In the aftermath of my dad’s death I barely missed a step in my regular life. My boss directed me to not work and made it clear that if I needed more than week, that I could have it. I used my time to start working on my dad’s estate and making calls to remove the wretched hospital bed. I continued to exercise daily, restarted my German studies and like a true overachiever managed to obtain grief counselling. It sounds impressive but up until recently, I felt like a monster inside.

In my quieter moments, I berated myself for not crying more and for not acting like a grief-stricken daughter. While my dad was slipping away I cried nightly and during every car ride home from work. Now that I live my nightmare, I only shed a few tears at night at settle into my grey coat. My counsellor assured me that there is no template to express grief and the fact that I am functional does not demonstrate that I am over the loss of my father. When she first said that to me, I had a hard time believing it. However when my friends who also lost parents confirmed that my being highly functional is not inversely proportional to my love for my father, it became real and acceptable. I think the most important gesture a friend can make to a family during COVID-19 is to assure them that there is no template for the grieving process and that you accept their emotions.

ÇA VA BIEN ALLER

I will always mourn the loss of my father. COVID-19 just imbues my grief with a historical significance because not everyone can claim to grieve during the time of a pandemic. However what makes the experience normal is friends who give space, share their memories and assure me that ça va bien aller (it’s going to be okay).

Main Image Photo Credit: Alyssa Stevenson/Unsplash

Meena Khan | Features Editor - Beauty

Author

Meena (@meenalaregina) always loved the idea of exploring the non-conventional idea of beauty. Having grown up as a pimply chubby teenager, she wanted to see the change in the world that best reflected your uniqueness as well. Her well-received collection of blogs where she tries on various beauty p...

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