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Picking Favourites: The Truth Behind Parenting
Taboo, but it’s true: one in twelve parents has admitted to having a favourite child.
Kim Kardashian has proof of being her mother’s favourite, according to the lie detector test her mother took on national television. But, “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” isn’t the first time the subject of parental favouritism has been publicly scrutinized.
Last year, Canadian radio host, Buzz Bishop, was under social attack due to his controversial blog post publically affirming equal affection for both his sons, but also stating he liked older children in general, and particularly his eldest child. He also mentioned that, "It's OK for us to internally have a favourite, and perhaps to externally write about it on the Internet.”
Specialists aren’t so quick to agree with Bishop’s latter claim.
The problem isn’t that parents have favourites. The problem is what parents do with those feelings. Purdue University sociology professor J. Jill Suitor, Karl Pillemer of Cornell University and Megan Gilligan also of Purdue, studied the effects of parental favouritism. Their joint-research shows that parents, especially of young children, often can’t prevent themselves from favouring a specific child and signs of favouritism are made obvious through words and actions. Such preferential selection can have a negative long-term effect on sibling bonds.
"We do know that perceptions of favouritism do seem to have a detrimental effect" on relationships among adult siblings, Suitor says. "There clearly is a measurable increase in tension and decrease in closeness."
From Cinderella to the tumultuous reign of Henry the Eighth of England (the second son), to the biblical tale of Joseph, history and legend demonstrate favouritism again and again, often to the detriment or even mortal peril of a sibling or family member.
As reported in Dalimail.co.uk, an anonymous survey of 1,237 British parents recently revealed that 62 percent did not give their children equal attention and one in twelve parents admitted to having a favourite child. Science writer, Jeffrey Kluger, claims that parental favouritism is hardwired into humans. In his book, titled “The Sibling Effect: What the Bonds Among Brothers and Sisters Reveal About Us,” he writes ‘it is my belief that 95 percent of the parents in the world have a favourite child, and the other five percent are lying.'
The real question is why? Parents don’t deliberately set out to have a favourite child. Jennifer Jenkins, a professor of human development and applied psychology at the University of Toronto and her team of researchers tried to discern what made favouritism, or “differential parenting,” more popular in some families than others.
This year Jenkins reported the results of a 4-year study on differential parenting in the journal, Child Development, and what affect this can have on the behavior and mental health of all family members, not just the siblings. In a focus group of almost 400 Canadian families, each with two to four children and the youngest at least 18 months old, Jenkins and her team observed parent-child interactions, and then measured the youngsters’ aggression, attention, and emotional problems to rate their relationships with siblings and parents.
Predictably, the children who were given more negative feedback than their favoured siblings had more emotional problems. As the study progressed, all the children in families where favouritism was more pronounced, there was a higher rate of problems than when the trial had started. The scientists also examined parental stresses due to economic or personal experiences as the major factor, especially the stress of the mothers.
They found that mothers from unstable family backgrounds or those who faced personal problems, such as depression or external factors such as being a single parent, made it more likely that she would treat her children differently.
A mother who is stressed is likely to have less patience with a child who has more problems but, as a result, all of her children may experience more behavioural problems. It makes perfect sense that these outside factors are what make it harder for parents to do the job of parenting well, but it also “creates a sense of the kids feeling uneasy, or [gives them a] sense of unfairness,” says Jenkins.
“In other studies, we’ve shown that the amount of differential parenting is related to the quality of sibling relationships, so when a kid is favoured or disfavoured, [he or she] is fed up with the sibling, getting on less well with that sibling, and that also feeds into the general dynamic of the family.”
So statistics aside, what can we do?
Parents, whether you harbor a greater feeling of affection for one child or another in secret or more publicly, there are several things you can do to help your children grow up healthy:
Even if your children are being raised in a financially stable, loving, and healthy environment, avoid singling a child out with special treatment. Psychologists explain that fewer chores or more lenient punishments can make the child feel like he or she is above the rules, and a child who handles this favouritism poorly may have trouble developing an independent identity. Consequently, this will negatively impact his/her adult relationships.
Keep open lines of communication running between you and all your children. In some families a certain sibling needs more attention or support. But it’s imperative, especially when the children are still young, to discuss with them why you act differently around each child. Psychologists have found that children don’t mind if their parents treat them differently, but they do mind if they perceive that treatment as unfair, especially when it goes unexplained.
Parents don’t worry if you’re feeling a bit guilty; know that the favorite-child status rotates naturally with children’s age, interest, and interaction with their parents. You just need to be consciously aware of giving each child an appropriate amount of attention, discipline and indulgence. When it comes to encouraging and nurturing your children, it’s only fair to give each of them an equal opportunity.
Featured Image: thelearningcommunity.us,
Source: nbcbayarea.com, http://everydaylife.globalpost.com, Child Developement.com,
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