Lifestyle / Take A Closer Look At What Angers You In Order To Be More Compassionate

Take A Closer Look At What Angers You In Order To Be More Compassionate

Lifestyle Jul 07, 2021

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Ever wonder what underlies negative emotions, like anger? Dr. Vermani shows us to look beneath ‘blanket’ emotions, like anger, can lead to a deeper, more compassionate, to get a more authentic understanding of ourselves and others.

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker and author on mental health and wellness. Her upcoming book, A Deeper Wellness, is scheduled for publication in 2021. Please visit: www.drmonicavermani.com.

Dr. Vermani has recently launched an exciting online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, delivering powerful mental health guidance, life skills, and knowledge that employees can access anywhere, anytime at www.adeeperwellness.com.

The Oxford English dictionary defines anger as a ‘strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.’ We’ve all been there, feeling disappointed, hurt, bitter, or let down. It never feels good, and it sometimes leads to unpleasant interactions with others, with damaging negative consequences.

Anger is a negative emotion, like jealousy, hate, and sometimes sadness. Anger can be a dangerous emotion, explosive, violent, and destructive. Most of us want to know how to handle ourselves better when we angry, but most of us have virtually no understanding of it.

Anger is what’s known as a ‘blanket’ or ‘secondary’ emotion. Blanket emotions are not primary emotions, but emotions that stem from more deep-seated and core emotions, like fear, grief, and sadness. By examining our anger, and looking beyond and beneath situations that make us angry, we can better understand ourselves and relate to others in a more positive, authentic, and effective way.

Take A Closer Look At What Angers You In Order To Be More Compassionate: Anger is a blanket emotion, which needs to be lifted to reveal what is really happening deep down. Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com — **Take A Closer Look At What Angers You In Order To Be More Compassionate: Anger is a blanket emotion, which needs to be lifted to reveal what is really happening deep down.** Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Looking Under The Blanket

Here’s an example. Martin is a member of a team of colleagues tasked with delivering potential solutions to correct communication problems across various segments of his company. During team meetings, Martin contributes the lion’s share of ideas and solutions. These ideas are passed along to senior management via his team leader, and eventually are implemented with great success. As a result, Martin’s team leader is acknowledged for his brilliant problem-solving abilities and rewarded with a job promotion, while Martin is left unacknowledged and unrewarded.

When Martin hears of his team leader’s promotion, he is filled with anger. He is beside himself and doesn’t know what to do, other than throwing an electronic device across the room, confronting his former team leader, or quitting his job, in a self-defeating act of defiance, as he has done before.

**Take A Closer Look At What Angers You In Order To Be More Compassionate: Feelings of anger can come from more deep-seated emotions.** Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Go Deeper

Let’s look at what lies beneath Martin’s anger in this situation. He feels used by someone he worked alongside and trusted. He feels sad at having been overlooked for a well-deserved promotion, unappreciated and unacknowledged for his contributions, and let down by a colleague who took credit for his ideas. He is afraid that he will never get ahead in his career, and that his talents and hard work will never be acknowledged. He might feel defeated, and in low self-esteem and courage, as a result of deep-seated feelings stemming from a childhood of never receiving his parents’ praise.

When Martin looks beneath the blanket of his anger, he can begin to have compassion for himself and his situation. He may decide to schedule a conversation with his former team leader and ask that his contributions be formally acknowledged. In conversation with his former team leader, he may learn that he is well regarded and will soon be promoted. Or, he may decide to draw a line under what has happened and seek guidance from a career coach to ensure that this does not happen again. He may also find team members to be supportive of his contributions and together they might come up with a strategy as a team to fairly and formally acknowledge individual contributions in the future.

In this situation, acting in anger will not achieve a desirable result for Martin, and will more than likely keep him stuck in repeating and self-defeating patterns of behavior. Looking deeper into his true feelings and seeking a meaningful resolution could lead to a more transparent and equitable workplace, one that will eventually result in improved career prospects for Martin’s valuable skills and abilities.

The Anger Problem

In many situations and relationships, there are times we can become angry. We can be let down and made to feel less than through the actions of a family member, friend, colleague, and even a stranger. When our feelings are ignored or trivialized, when we are unappreciated, left out, disrespected, or ignored we are hurt, and saddened, and become angry.

The most pressing problem with anger is that neither acting out in anger or holding it in delivers a desirable result. Anger demands our attention, as it buries our more authentic and true emotions, and prevents us from seeing ourselves and our situation clearly, and truly understanding what is happening within ourselves.

The Upside Of Anger

Anger is a fight or flight emotion that shows up when we feel the need to defend ourselves. It’s a sign that something is wrong and needs our attention and consideration. It is an indicator that we need to find a new way forward.

Learning to lift the blanket emotion of anger and explore our true feelings beneath leads us to a better understanding of and greater compassion for ourselves. When we explore what lies beneath our anger, we are improving our communication with ourselves. In turn, this leads to better and more authentic interactions with others and can open the door to positive changes in our lives.

Dr. Vermani’s tips on how to handle it when anger shows up

Step back from rather than act out in anger

Take time away from others to allow feelings of anger to decrease

Explore the underlying sadness, disappointment, or fear that triggered your anger

Acknowledge these true feelings beneath the anger

Commit to positive changes that tackle problematic situations in your life

Main Image Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

COMMENTS

South Asian Heritage Month 2021: 8 Desi Books That Will Create Teachable Moments For The Young Minds In Your Life

Dine In Posh Pods At Ponsbourne Hotel Near Central London

Part One: What Goes Up Must Come Down — Understanding & Navigating The Cycle Of Panic

Part Two: What Goes Up Must Come Down: Conquering The Cycle Of Panic

South Asian Heritage Month 2021: #Reclaimingmyname — We Need To Stop Mispronouncing Our Name For The Benefit Of Others

PRIDE 2021 SPECIAL: 10 LGBTQ+ Voices That We Need To Listen To

Let It Out Because These Are The Reasons Why Crying Is Good For You

4 Hot Tech Gadgets That Are Out This June 2021

This Is Why Malala Won't Marry Your Son

PRIDE 2021 Special: Let Me Tell You My Trans Journey From Female To Male & How That Has Affected My Desi Family

Check Out These Father's Day Recipes That Any Desi Dad Will Love!

A Mindful Guide To Understanding The Grieving Process

It's Important To Understand The Power of Saying "No"

These Are The 7 Ways You Can Get A Good Night's Sleep

Cumin Crusted Chicken & More: These Recipes Will Bring Our Favourite Spices To Life

These Are The Reasons Why It's Important To Balance Grief & Gratitude

4 Hot Tech Gadgets That Are Out This July 2021

Pride Is A Lifestyle, Not A Month: Mango Lassi On His Life As An ‘Openly Queer, Femme Man'

Red Light District Workers In India Are Struggling To Survive Amid COVID-19 Pandemic

Stay Cool & Feel Fresh With These Tropical Fruit Recipes

Suffering Has A Purpose — Here's What That Is

Indulge In The Best Indo-Chinese & North Indian Dishes At Sugar & Spice Lounge In Queensbury

Summer Reading List: These 6 Desi Books Are Perfect For The Beach

My Multiple Sclerosis Journey: Three Ways I've Enhanced My Wellness Routine

Naan Nachos, BBQ Naan S'Mores & More — Fire Up That BBQ For These Fab Desi Treats

The Value Of Understanding How Others Can Reveal Who We Really Are

Karim Nanji Of Marble Financial Tells Why You Need To Get A Handle On Your Covid-Debt Before Its Too Late

Exploring The Power Of Compassion

4 Hot Tech Gadgets That Are Out This August 2021

Want Some Paan Ice Cream? Scooperb In London Has The Best Ice Cream Treats

Stop Selling Yourself Short By Getting Rid Of Your Self-Limiting Thoughts

Your Schemas: Understanding Maps Of Information We Create Throughout Our Lives

Take A Closer Look At What Angers You In Order To Be More Compassionate

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

COMMENTS

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE