Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Deal With My Friend Who Always Wants To Start A Fight?

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Deal With My Friend Who Always Wants To Start A Fight?

Lifestyle Jul 27, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about life, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

I have a friend who endlessly stirs up problems within our friend group. She is always angry or at odds with someone. I could write volumes about her past accusations, feuds, and complaints, but they are so petty that they seem too absurd to mention. Her pattern of behavior is so obvious and predictable that one friend recently joked that she would probably soon fall out with me, as I had not been targeted for a long time.

Well, my friend’s prediction was accurate. Last week she accused me of excluding her from a planned night out. When I explained that I hadn’t invited her because she would be away on vacation, she fired back that she should have been invited anyway, as a courtesy, and added that I was just looking for ways to exclude her. I told her in frustration that this was both untrue and ridiculous — words I regretted the second they I spoke. The result was like throwing gasoline on a fire. Since then, she has used what she calls my “unkind words about her” to try to alienate me from my friends. None of this is working, but no one confronts her about her behavior or has a clue how to make her stop.

I am at a point where I am tired of these disruptive histrionics and ready to call her bluff and end the friendship, despite whatever fallout there may be to my friend group.

Should I try to salvage this situation? If not, how can I extricate myself from this situation with minimal harm?

Signed,

On the Outs

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Deal With My Friend Who Always Wants To Start A Fight? — **Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Deal With My Friend Who Always Wants To Start A Fight: “Outs” doesn’t know if she should address the situation or just remove herself from it entirely.** Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dear Outs,

By repeatedly tolerating manipulation and abuse, you and your friends are failing yourselves, and preventing your problematic friend from experiencing and understanding the real consequences of her behavior.

As to what you should do, you have two choices. You could just keep doing what you and your friends have been doing for a long time, tolerating your friend’s mistreatment, and prioritizing group dynamics at the expense of your well-being and authenticity. Or, you could start to make choices and act in ways that break old patterns that no longer serve you (or anyone else, for that matter). When you stop accepting non-acceptable behaviors from someone who is causing hurt and harm, you are acting authentically, and breaking a harmful pattern in your life. As a result, things will begin to shift and change within your group dynamics.

In my private practice, I advise patients who are navigating distressing relationships to behave impeccably, that is to say, to treat others with respect and compassion as they make positive changes in their lives. Your situation is no exception. It is up to you to change what you cannot accept. Some friendships are not meant to last a lifetime. Some fade away, others end as a result of conflict, irreconcilable differences, or patterns of behavior that are no longer acceptable.

Moving forward, create healthy boundaries around how you wish to be treated. Then express and reinforce those boundaries, and behave impeccably while doing so. As for the impact on your friend group, your healthy boundaries will no doubt cause a ripple effect. Whatever the fallout, conduct yourself in a way that you will not look back upon with regret.

Main Image Photo Credit: Unsplash

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Deal With My Friend Who Always Wants To Start A Fight?

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

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