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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My In-Laws Are Giving Me The Cold Shoulder
Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.
Dear Dr. Monica,
I never thought I’d be writing to a magazine for advice, but here I am. Last year, after 12 years of marriage, my husband and I separated for a few months. I am happy to say that we were able to work on our marriage while we were apart, and we’re back together, and is better than ever.
The problem I am having is that my husband’s sisters and mother (she is a widow) are treating me very coldly, excluding me in small ways that my husband barely notices but that hurts me a lot. For example, we get together once a week at my mother-in-law’s home for family dinners. As I love to bake, my mother-in-law usually requests one of my specialties. But since getting back together, she has purchased desserts, and declined my offers to contribute to these dinners in any way. There are other small examples of slights and signs that I am no longer considered a part of the family.
I would like to address this directly, but my husband says not to take what they do so personally, and to give them time, that they will come around, and that things will be back to normal before I know it. I’m not so sure. Do you have any advice for me?
— In-law outcast
Dear Outcast,
First, the good news: I am glad to hear that the hard work you and your partner put into your marriage is paying off. Marriage is not all roses and sunshine, and your shared willingness to work on your relationship is commendable and underlies the strong bond and sense of commitment on both parts.
Now, here’s your challenge. One of the main reasons we suffer in life is that we don’t accept people as they are, and situations as they are. Accept that your separation may be causing residual discomfort and confusion within your partner’s family. Realize that it could take some time for your mother-in-law and your partner’s siblings to come around … however unfair this may feel. They may have erroneously blamed you for leaving their son or sibling. They may have felt that you deserted them as well. Your partner may have shared distressing feelings that led them to think harshly of you and draw unfair conclusions.
Don’t carry this burden alone. This is your partner’s family, after all, and he can and should play an active part in restoring a sense of comfort and well-being between you and his family. If you feel comfortable, reach out one-on-one with your sisters-in-law and mother-in-law. Let them know how much you value your relationship with them, and that you look forward to continuing to grow and support one another.
Main Image Photo Credit: www.pexels.com
Dr. Monica Vermani
Author
Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com
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