Culture / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Our Cultural Differences May Threaten Our Marriage

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Our Cultural Differences May Threaten Our Marriage

Culture Jul 18, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about life, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

I’m a first generation Canadian bride-to-be with a big problem! I’m engaged to a man who agreed to my family’s wish for a traditional wedding, even though he had no idea what he was in for.

Now, as we should be happily planning our wedding, we are caught up in a culture divide that’s getting wider by the day. My fiancé says he can’t imagine his family taking part in my family’s cultural traditions, now that he knows what a traditional wedding involves. Even worse, my future in-laws have offered us a generous nest egg to elope, which my fiancé is excited about. He’s apologised to my parents for going back on his promise. My parents are upset with me and furious with him.

At this point, I don’t know what I want, or whether we should continue down this road. From where I stand, I’m beginning to think that our differences far outweigh our similarities, and I envision a lifetime of tensions, disputes, and hurt feelings.

My fiancé and I have been together since our second year at university. We love each other deeply and share so much in common, our professions, our interests, our values, and our life goals. But we’re so at odds now — over a celebration — what’s it going to be like when life gets tough?

Signed,

Cold Foot

**Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Our Cultural Differences May Threaten Our Marriage: His parents want us to elope but my parents are furious with him and me.** Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dear Cold Foot,

As the first Canadian-born member of my family, I applaud your instincts and insights into the many potential challenges that lie ahead in your life together, despite the strengths of your relationship with your fiancé.

Your relationship began at a time and in a place that was relatively free from the day-to-day influences of your families. You were young, finding your way in a world that was new and expanding your horizons. Now that you are engaged, your families and cultures are suddenly more involved, and vocal, and you are becoming more aware of your differences.

As for how to navigate your current situation, you and your fiancé should put all wedding negotiations temporarily on hold, and run — not walk — to couple’s therapy. There, you can explore the intercultural challenges that you are going through in your present situation and others that may come into play later in your life together. You can also get a sense of the extent of both your and your partner’s commitment to your individual cultural backgrounds and identities in the safety of a therapeutic setting. And you will have a chance to talk about life issues, like cultural differences pertaining to raising children, spending time with family members, cultural and religious holidays, and other lifecycle issues relatively few newly minted couples explore in detail before marriage.

Without a doubt, there are many challenges that arise from marrying into a different culture, but building a happy, fulfilling, and successful life together is not impossible for you and your partner. And your relationship and future happiness are well worth working for, right now.

I wish you and your fiancé the very best in the future and hope that you will take a step back from wedding planning and find a couple’s therapist to help you navigate your way to a long, happy, and healthy life together.

Main Image Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Our Cultural Differences May Threaten Our Marriage

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

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