Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: My In-Laws Introduces Our Kids As Their “Adopted” Grandkids

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: My In-Laws Introduces Our Kids As Their “Adopted” Grandkids

Lifestyle Apr 27, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about live, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

I love my husband’s parents dearly, but there is one thing they do repeatedly that I find hurtful and worrying. They introduce our children (ages 5 and 6) as their “adopted” grandchildren. My husband comes from a big, loving family and my in-laws treat our children with the same warmth and generosity that they do their other — biological — grandchildren.

Our children have known from an early age that they are adopted. They are both thriving at school and within our extended family. My husband thinks we should just the situation alone, that his parents don’t mean anything by it, and that they would feel judged and hurt if I were to bring up this matter with them. But I am concerned about the effect of their characterization of our children as different from their cousins. Am I being overly sensitive? Am I wrong to think that these words could have a negative impact on my children? Should I keep quiet, or say something about this?

Signed, Too Sensitive

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: My In-Laws Introduces Our Kids As Their "Adopted" Grandkids — Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: My In-Laws Introduces Our Kids As Their “Adopted” Grandkids: “Overly Sensitive” feels that her in-laws constantly referring to their grandkids as “adopted” may hurt her children’s mental health. Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dear Sensitive,

First of all, you are not being overly sensitive. Words matter. In this case, they matter a great deal to you, to your children, and to your children’s cousins, to name a few of the parties involved.

I am glad to hear that your in-laws treat all of their grandchildren equally and that they are loving and present in their lives. Your husband may be right in suggesting that his parents do not mean to harm anyone with their words. They may feel proud of you and your husband for adopting your children. They may simply be over-sharing information about your family with friends who are aware that some of their grandchildren were adopted. They might be shocked and upset to learn that their words are hurtful to you. Assuming that they mean no harm does not mean that their words do no harm to you, your children, and your family as a whole.

Children need to feel loved, accepted, included, and secure. When adopted children are singled out, there is a risk that they might feel less than, or different from, their cousins… at least in the eyes of the people who are voicing this distinction. Your children do not need to hear from their grandparents that they are different from their cousins because they are adopted. Neither do their cousins do not need to hear their grandparents differentiate, through their words, their cousins.

Together with your husband, talk to your in-laws about your feelings and concerns. Let them know how much you appreciate their support and understanding, and ask that they confine their explanations about your family — when they feel it necessary to offer explanations to others — to times when you and your children are not present.

Main Image Photo Credit: www.pexels.com

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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