Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: I’m On The Outs With My Friend Because I Supported Her Breakup What Do I Do?

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: I’m On The Outs With My Friend Because I Supported Her Breakup What Do I Do?

Lifestyle Oct 25, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about life, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani (@drmonicavermani) is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

A few weeks ago, a close friend of mine broke off her engagement, much to the relief of most people in our friend group, myself included. Without sharing the details surrounding her breakup, it had everything to do with her fiancé’s infidelities and lack of respect for her.

Shortly after they broke up, she and I went out for dinner, and she unloaded on me several stories about their relationship and his past behavior which I found deeply disturbing. She then asked what I thought of her fiancé, and I told her that in light of what she had just told me, she is much better off without him, and she had done the right thing by breaking up with him.

Last week, I heard from a mutual friend that they’d patched things up and the engagement is back on. I immediately called my friend and asked why she hadn’t told me about getting back together with her ex. She said that I should know why, that I shouldn’t worry about being around them, and that I shouldn’t hold my breath waiting for an invitation to their wedding.

I regret speaking up when, in hindsight, I should have said nothing. I feel like I am being punished for supporting my friend in her time of need. Worst of all, I am at a loss as to how to fix this situation and restore our friendship. Please help me figure out what to do!

Signed,

Defriended

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: I'm On The Outs With My Friend Because I Supported Her Breakup What Do I Do? — **Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: I’m On The Outs With My Friend Because I Supported Her Breakup What Do I Do: “Defriended” stood by her friend when she was going through her breakup.** Now they got back together and she’s on the outs. Photo Credit: Pexels.com

Dear Defriended,

Unfortunately, there are times when there is little you can do but wait, see, and hope that over time, your friend will come to see your support in the manner you intended. Given that you expressed a negative opinion about her fiancé in the aftermath of her sharing negative information about his past behavior, I can appreciate that her treatment of you must seem particularly unfair.

As for what is going on with your friend, she is likely confused at the moment, and trying to protect her relationship. She is quite likely feeling judged, and defensive of her choice to get back together with her ex.

My advice for you is to do your best not to take her behavior personally. When you personalize someone’s behavior, you remain stuck in pain. Understand that her actions and reactions at this point in time have more to do with protecting her fiancé and justifying her choices, than they have to do with your opinion of her partner — however unreasonable this feels, especially in light of the fact that what she shared with you that triggered your negative response!

Give your friend space and time. And treat yourself with compassion. After all, in supporting your friend, you got caught up in someone else’s pain, and now that pain is spilling over onto you. Your friendship may well survive this setback, but if it doesn’t, you have learned a valuable lesson. The lesson is this: be very careful when a friend asks you what you think of their ex-partner. Your words, and that partner, may come back to haunt you!

Main Image Photo Credit: Unsplash

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

COMMENTS

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Tell My Sis-In-Law That Her Messy Dog Is Not Welcome At My House?

Make Your Brunch Brilliant With This French Buckwheat Crepes & Dosas Recipe!

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Convince My Kids That My Granddaughter's Best Friend Is A Bully?

South Asians & Arthritis: Busting Myths And Sharing Facts About This Disease In Our Community

Event Alert: The Desai Foundation Rings In 10th Anniversary of "Diwali On The Hudson" Gala

Event Alert: The Auric Living Conference Brings Holistic Healing To Toronto

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Tell My Sis-In-Law To Stop Intruding In My Daughter's Wedding Plans?

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Why Does Our Family Get Togethers Always End With A Fight?

Anjali Pathak of Patak's Shares Her Favourite Recipes For The Holiday Season

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: I’m On The Outs With My Friend Because I Supported Her Breakup What Do I Do?

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

COMMENTS

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE