Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Trust My Husband After He Cheated On Me?

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Trust My Husband After He Cheated On Me?

Lifestyle Aug 22, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about life, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

I don’t trust my husband.

Several years ago, we worked hard to save our marriage after I learned about an affair shortly after it had ended. (The woman he was involved with contacted me in an effort to harm him after he had ended the affair.)

In the years since this happened, we worked through his infidelity in therapy, and have enjoyed our life and our family since then. But recently, he was promoted, and his new position requires him to travel a great deal. He is often away from home for two or three days at a time, and there are times when my attempts to reach him have been unsuccessful. I find myself back in a place where I feel distrustful and insecure. He tries to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about, but I find myself overcome from time to time with feelings of abandonment, and a sense that everything is falling apart. I haven’t told my husband how overwhelmed I’m feeling, and how frequently I am upset while he is away.

How can I get a grip on my feelings regain my faith in my marriage when I feel like I’m falling apart?

Signed,

Sleepless in Saskatoon

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Trust My Husband After He Cheated On Me? — **Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Trust My Husband After He Cheated On Me: “Sleepless In Saskatoon” can’t trust her husband again after he cheated on her.** Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dear Sleepless,

You may well be experiencing infidelity triggers. Infidelity triggers are a normal part of recovery after a partner’s infidelity. You may be triggered by your husband’s extended absences from home, lonely nights without him, or feelings of a loss of connection from being unable to reach him … some or all of which you may have experienced while he was engaged in the affair. (Some spouses recovering from infidelity report being triggered by something as inconsequential or innocent as a film, a song, a location, or a particular date on the calendar, even years after an affair has ended.) Your triggers are part of your healing process.

While your husband’s current absences are reasonable, legitimate, and understandable, as are your occasional missed calls, it is perfectly normal for you to experience these situations as infidelity triggers. You may not want to think about the long-term impact your husband’s affair had on you. You may feel weak and distrustful for reliving past hurts, or like a failure for not being able to move on.

It is important that you understand that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Even though you and your husband worked hard to repair the damage caused by his infidelity, it is important to acknowledge how you are feeling. Stay connected to your feelings, and pay attention to the situations, times of day, and settings that trigger you. Share these feelings with your husband. Create a plan that enables you to ask him for help, and gives him opportunities to support and reassure you when you are struggling. If you find you need more support, seek the help of a therapist who specializes in affair recovery to help you work through this stage of your healing.

Main Image Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Trust My Husband After He Cheated On Me?

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

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