Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Bestie Roommate Is A Nightmare

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Bestie Roommate Is A Nightmare

Lifestyle Jul 11, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about life, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

I’m a young woman (24), living on my own for the first time. While attending college, I lived for two years in a dorm and moved back home during COVID. I was excited to land a great job and finally start living like an adult. With rents high in the city where I live, the most affordable way to move away from home was to share an apartment. I moved in with one of my best friends who, like me, recently landed her first serious job.

Six months in, I am uncomfortable, unhappy, and disappointed with my friend. She is extremely messy, not just in her own room, but in the spaces we share, the kitchen and living room. (We have our own bathrooms, so at least I don’t have to deal with that.) As her work is in the hospitality industry, she also keeps very different hours than I do and often has impromptu late-night gatherings … nothing crazy, but enough to keep me from getting a good night’s sleep.

I am always cleaning up after work, so I have somewhere clean to make dinner and relax. My parents say I should just keep things civil until the lease is up in six months, then move out. I’d rather bring these issues up with my friend, but we hardly ever see one another, and when we do spend time together, she’s fun to be with so I don’t want to hurt our friendship by complaining. I’m exhausted, and resentful of all the time I spend cleaning up. How can I talk to my friend about this without upsetting her?

Signed,

Regretful Roommate

**Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Bestie Roommate Is A Nightmare: Regretful Roommate is frustrated by her roommate’s messy habits even in the common areas such as the kitchen.** Photo Credit: Unsplash

Dear Regretful,

Welcome to life as an adult! Many adults have experienced exactly what you’re going through and learned through experience that best friends do not always make the best roommates. Living together can strain any relationship, and when it does, the best way forward is to try to resolve issues rather than ignore them.

My best advice to you is to behave impeccably! As soon as possible, talk to your roommate about your concerns. Schedule an hour for a household meeting. Open the discussion by asking your friend if she has any issues or problems she would like to talk about. If she does, listen calmly to what she has to say. Then, without frustration or anger, share your issues with her. Give her a chance to respond. She might be oblivious to your feelings. She might feign concern but carry on being her messy, noisy self. Or she might start being more considerate of your common spaces, and the impact of her late-night activities on your sleep.

The reality is that you have control of just one aspect of this situation — you. Behave impeccably with your friend, no matter how she responds. Talk to her kindly, and make sure that you don’t say or do anything you will look back on with regret. Maybe you and your friend won’t last as roommates, but if you behave impeccably while dealing with this issue, one day you will be able to look back at this time fondly, and without regret.

Main Image Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Bestie Roommate Is A Nightmare

by Dr. Monica Vermani

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