/ Kavita shows us how to let love in

by Kavita Patel

Kavita shows us how to let love in

Jun 30, 2013

The Top Relationship Questions Asked by Women

How do I choose between the bad boy and the nice guy?

I’m trying to break my pattern of hooking up with bad boys. I’m on date number five with this really sweet guy who is smart and nice, and who takes care of me. Should I keep going? I don’t know if I’m attracted to him.

I know this can feel like a complicated decision, but the truth is it can be really simple. Here’s what’s currently happening with the bad boy/nice guy scenario.

The bad boy is smoking hot, and there might not be much mental stimulation, but you feel so special because he chose you. And as soon as the thought “Wow, he likes me!” crosses your mind, you put him on a pedestal.

With the nice guy, you know where you stand from the first date. He’s totally into you, and the conversation flows easier, but you don’t feel much physical attraction.

What you need is the X factor: the chemistry you can’t describe. This goes beyond the obvious mental and physical attraction. It has you feeling, “There’s just something with this guy!”

As women, the X factor we instinctively look for is a man who feels challenging and exciting plus safe and protective.

The truth is you don’t have to choose between the nice guy and the bad boy. You can have the guy with the X factor who makes you feel safe and excited.

In your love life, start looking for both the excitement you feel with the bad boys and the mental stimulation and security that nice guys bring to the mix. This will attract the whole package and allow you to filter faster through the men who just fit the nice guy and bad boy categories.

Why hasn’t he called?

I had a first date with a great guy, and I thought things were going really well, but then he didn’t call me. What’s the deal? How do I get the man I like to call me after the first date?

If you feel like you’re the one-date wonder and the guys you like aren’t calling you back, most likely you’re not expressing yourself with them. Here are the three mistakes you’re probably making.

Mistake #1: Deciding immediately that he has potential.
When you meet a guy who seems like the total package, he immediately becomes a potential boyfriend or husband in your mind. With all the pressure you feel to find love, suddenly this man seems like your only option, and you start to focus all your energy into making him like you.

The first date then becomes all about, “Does he like me? What’s going on in his head? Did I say the right thing?” You stop saying what you want to say and are more concerned with him. This means you’re not expressing yourself.

Mistake #2: Getting caught up in daydreams.
Suddenly you’re daydreaming of falling in love and getting married to this guy that you don’t even know. The pressure you felt before gets more intense and all that fantasizing turns into anxiety about the date.

When you catch yourself fantasizing, find a way to get back to the present. When you’re out on a date, start by leaning back in your chair and taking note of all your senses. Ask yourself, “How do I feel right now? What do I smell? What does this chair feel like?” Actually hold onto the chair to ground yourself and connect with your senses. This will help you come out of fantasyland.

Mistake #3: Part of you freezes up and shuts down.
Because of the pressure you feel to make it work with this man, part of you freezes up and then shuts down completely. Rather than openly sharing your thoughts and ideas, you become self-conscious. You lose touch with your thoughts and he isn’t able to see you for who you really are.

Ask yourself what’s stopping you from really expressing yourself on dates and from fully being yourself. What are you afraid will happen if you express yourself? Are you afraid he’ll reject you?

Rejection might actually be exactly what you want. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t like you for who you are? If he’s not the one, you want him out of the picture so you can find the right man for you.

How do I get out of the friend zone?

I was seeing this great guy, and at first he was completely crazy about me. Then all of a sudden he gave me the “I just want to be friends” line. What happened?

Let me share an experience of a client of mine who also kept getting stuck in the friend zone. Sometimes our relationship troubles boil down to problematic relationships with our family.

Sandra was attracting really great guys, but around the third date, they kept saying they just wanted to be friends. What we discovered was that — without even knowing it — Sandra was desperately trying to please the men she was dating and putting out the wrong vibe.

Putting out a desperate trying-to-please vibe is the number one way to drive a man away, whether or not we’re aware of it. Just like us, men don’t want to be with someone who’s just trying to please them. They want someone to challenge and inspire them.

As with everything in love, this off-putting energy can be traced back to how you are with your parents. I asked Sandra if she tries to lead her life in a way that makes her parents happy. She replied, “Of course. I want them to be happy and I want to make sure I don’t hurt them.”

I totally get that. However, putting your family first all the time can negatively impact your love life. Sandra’s habit of trying to be perfect for her family transferred over to her love life, where unknowingly she was trying to please the men she was dating.

I revealed that her parents don’t want her to take on a role to keep them happy. All they want is for her to be happy and healthy and not to have to worry about them. Her assignment was to let herself be vulnerable with her parents — to reveal something she needed help with and ask for their help with it. This is your assignment too.

Once Sandra started letting herself be more vulnerable and taking on the child’s role with her parents, everything shifted for her in her dating life. She stopped giving off that desperate-to-please vibe. All of a sudden the men were sticking around, asking her out and pursuing her.

Kavita J. Patel is a relationship expert and love coach and is the founder of Outrageously Happy Relationships. She specializes in helping women to single-handedly transform their love lives through the powers of releasing trapped beliefs, breaking through love blocks and opening their hearts to love in a brand new way. www.kavitajpatel.com

PUBLISHED IN THE HEALTH & WELLNESS ISSUE, SUMMER 2013

Kavita Patel

Author

Kavita J Patel is a Relationship Expert and Love Specialist on a mission to help women worldwide make quantum leaps in their happiness and love lives. As a second-generation Indian American, Kavita's Indian heritage and spirituality deeply inform her coaching, and bring a blend of Eastern and W...