/ The Best of Kavita

by Kavita Patel

The Best of Kavita

Jul 07, 2014

Choosing between the bad boy and the nice guy

I’m trying to break my pattern of hooking up with bad boys. I’m on date number five with this really sweet guy who is smart and nice, and who takes care of me. Should I keep going? I don’t know if I’m attracted to him.

I know this can feel like a complicated decision, but the truth is it can be really simple. Here’s what’s currently happening with the bad boy/nice guy scenario.

The bad boy is smoking hot, and there might not be much mental stimulation, but you feel so special because he chose you. And as soon as the thought “Wow, he likes me!” crosses your mind, you put him on a pedestal.

With the nice guy, you know where you stand from the first date. He’s totally into you, and the conversation flows easier, but you don’t feel much physical attraction.

What you need is the X factor: the chemistry you can’t describe. This goes beyond the obvious mental and physical attraction. It has you feeling, “There’s just something with this guy!” As women, the X factor we instinctively look for is a man who feels challenging and exciting plus safe and protective.

The truth is you don’t have to choose between the nice guy and the bad boy. You can have the guy with the X factor who makes you feel safe and excited.

In your love life, start looking for both the excitement you feel with the bad boys and the mental stimulation and security that nice guys bring to the mix. This will attract the whole package and allow you to filter faster through the men who just fit the nice guy and bad boy categories.

After an affair

Recently, it came out that my wife had an affair. As you can imagine, this was completely devastating and has really done a number on us. We’ve been married for five years, and she has no history of doing this in the past. She wants me to forgive her, but I just don’t know. How can I forgive her and let this go?

I have a question to ask you that might feel a bit uncomfortable at first. Why do you feel it was at this point in your marriage that your wife felt like she needed to cheat? I know this can be a tough question to answer, but it’s important and can actually lead to you getting some breathing room around this issue.

It always takes two, and each person has a responsibility for what occurs in the marriage. Yes, she is to blame for cheating. However, it would be a great service to yourself and your marriage to assess from your point of view why she cheated — because there is some sort of truth here that needs to come out.

So you need to think. What was your role in the marriage getting to this place where she cheated? In what way were you not all in? What were the signs that she might not be totally happy or fulfilled that you may have overlooked? She needs to reflect as well. What was she missing from the marriage? How could she have communicated it to you?

When you start to take accountability for your part, you start to see that this wasn’t all her problem. This realization gives you some space to actually forgiving her. It’s important to have an open conversation where you each reveal your innermost thoughts that you haven’t been expressing to one another. If you need help with this, you can reach out to a therapist. And sometimes it’s good to both individually seek out help instead of doing couples therapy.

Then together, as a team, the two of you need to come up with ways to help resolve these issues to improve your marriage.

Attracting the “right one”

I’m a professional 34-year-old female who seems to either attract or be attracted to men who don’t ever want to get married, be in any kind of significant relationship or have kids. Many times, I don’t find this out until later and we keep dating because I really do find the person interesting. How do I change my pattern? I am not dying to get married — I just want to find my “partner in crime” to enjoy life with.

I totally get it! The thing is, you are putting out a vibe that is attracting these kinds of men. You are putting out the I-amnot- really-looking vibe. There is a belief that you have to be dying to get married to actually find your “partner in crime.”

The reason I say this is because of the way you asked your question. You said you’re “not dying to get married” yet immediately stated what you do want — a “partner in crime” — indicating to me that you actually believe that if someone is dying to get married, then they can find the one they want to be with. And you are right — you don’t have to be dying to get married to find a partner in crime. But you do need to admit to yourself that wanting a man is important to you, so that you can start vibrating from that place and calling in a man that is willing to commit and get serious.

Simply declare it out loud to yourself that you want to find a partner that you desire and build a long-term relationship with him. Also, the limiting belief that you need to be dying to get married needs to be dissected further. We are digging deep because subconsciously the way you perceive your parents’ relationship is affecting your love life, and this belief is stemming from them in some way. Maybe you admire your parents’ relationship, which makes you question if you will ever have what they have. Or maybe you dislike their relationship making you wonder if you really want that. Calling in a man that is right for you requires digging deeper.

Lost in love? Email me @ [email protected]

Kavita J. Patel is a relationship expert and love coach and is the founder of Outrageously Happy Relationships. She specializes in helping women to single-handedly transform their love lives through the power of releasing trapped beliefs, breaking through love blocks and opening their hearts to love in a brand new way. www.kavitajpatel.com

PUBLISHED IN THE HEALTH & WELLNESS ISSUE/SUMMER 2014

Kavita Patel

Author

Kavita J Patel is a Relationship Expert and Love Specialist on a mission to help women worldwide make quantum leaps in their happiness and love lives. As a second-generation Indian American, Kavita's Indian heritage and spirituality deeply inform her coaching, and bring a blend of Eastern and W...