Swingers

The alternative lifestyle is shaking its '60s rep and has become a popular choice for contemporary South Asian couples.

Swinging is a means through which some couples add excitement and interest to their lives by incorporating individuals from outside of their relationship. The concept may seem entirely foreign, but the reality is, this alternative lifestyle is developing quite the following. Your friends, ccolleagues, former boyfriends and family members could all be swingers, but swinging isn’t exactly dinnertime conversation. It’s the taboo subject that most of us are just too embarrassed to talk about, but chances are you’ve at least thought about it. ANOKHI sits down with one couple who attributes a large part of their happiness to this unique scene. Understandably, we have respected their right to anonymity and have changed their names.

“It’s something we like to keep quiet,” Anita says of the swinging scene that she and her husband have forayed into in recent years. Anita, 30 and her husband of nine years, Ravi, 34, who both work in the financial industry, are swingers, just two among a growing number of South and East Asian couples who are exploring alternatives to traditional marriage constructs.

The two have been swinging for just over three years and believe that their lifestyle has strengthened their bond and has encouraged their feelings of satisfaction within the relationship.

“It has been working well for us so far,” Ravi says, finally contributing to a conversation that to this point had been dominated by his wife. Though they are both pleased with their choices and the impact they have had on their relationship, the two admit that they keep their lifestyle choices private for fear of what friends and family might think. Though Ravi happily agreed to sitting down with ANOKHI, it was clear that he was uneasy about exposing his liberal lifestyle choices. “It isn’t that we are ashamed of the choices we make,” he explains, “But I would be a fool to think our families and friends would support or even respect us.”

Ravi’s fear of judgment is not unique. Swinging undoubtedly carries with it many negative connotations, particularly in countries where religious doctrines play a dominant role. For these reasons many couples and most swingers’ networks and clubs maintain a high level of secrecy. "We don't really frequent large swingers clubs all that often, but when we do we are informed of the location privately through e-mail," Anita explained.

Bernie Goldman, a marriage counselor based in Toronto who has not counseled Anita and Ravi, admits that the choice to remain private about their lifestyle is both wise and probably necessary. “Swinging is perceived as being outside of the norm," Goldman explains. "I suspect that maintaining a level of secrecy stems from a fear of judgment. The reality is, there is a large measure of judgment, and a large measure of misunderstanding in terms of the general public’s understanding of what swinging is and what it represents.”

Swinging is by no means a new phenomenon. While extramarital relations were common long before the term "swinging" was ever coined, it was not until the sexual revolutions in the United States of the 1960s and '70s that swinging gained momentum on a mainstream level.

Today, the prevalence of swingers’ social networks and clubs around the world indicates an increasing acceptance of this alternative lifestyle, and offers proof of the positive impacts that the swinging can have on some couples.

Couples who engage in "The Lifestyle" as it is commonly referred to, are not what some might term "sexual deviants" or anti-monogamy. Furthermore, swinging is not a sign of a failing or dull relationship. Rather, those who are able to engage in sexual intimacy without succumbing to the dangers of emotional intimacy often find swinging invigorating and use it as a means through which to form a closer bond with their partner.

That being said, as Goldman, Kimmie Jacobson (owner of Kimmie’s Party in Toronto) and Jerry Van (owner of Burlington’s Club 2250) all repeatedly stress that swinging will not save a relationship plagued with problems.

“You can compare it to couples who have children in the hopes of saving their relationship. Relationships don’t work like that,” Van stresses. It is important to find happiness from within your relationship before seeking satisfaction from others.

Anita and Ravi began swinging after being happily married for four years, though they felt their bond would not be altered by introducing other people into their sexual dynamic. “Ravi approached me about swinging after dinner one evening, though it was months before we participated in our first swap, and even then neither of us engaged in intercourse (with other people),” Anita recalled.

The period of time that Anita and Ravi took to consider if swinging was right for them and to consider each other’s needs and fears has contributed to their success as a swinging couple. Their choice to begin with what is referred to as a “soft swap” may have also helped to ease them into a world that is known for invoking surprising emotional responses.

Both feel that sharing their experiences after “playing” has brought them closer together and made them appreciate the difference between sexual intimacy and its emotional counterpart.

In Goldman’s professional opinion, coming together afterwards and sharing experiences with each other has the potential to be one of the most positive aspects of swinging. He also explains that swinging can also be used as an exploration of one’s self. “We are after all, sexual beings by nature,” he says.

For this couple, the time spent after “swapping” has come to be very special. "I find uniting with him afterward and sharing in our fantasies particularly erotic. It has definitely improved our time together behind closed doors," admits Anita with a bashful smile.

“I enjoy watching her experience someone new,” Ravi adds, and stresses that regardless of who they encounter while swinging, they never play in separate spaces. “I would never feel safe leaving the woman I love alone with another man who has no care for her safety or dignity,” he explains. Though Anita feels Ravi’s worry was unnecessary, she admits she wouldn’t want to leave him alone with another woman either.

Jerry Van, who has been operating Club 2250 successfully for 12 years, has always operated under this premise. Van feels so strongly about this that he has made Club 2250’s slogan “the couple who plays together, stays together.”

In their time swinging, Anita and Ravi have set up other rules like this for themselves and are sure to enter every partner swap with a clear set of expectations.

The importance of communication cannot be too heavily stressed when couples are considering engaging in the swinging lifestyle and rules are an important part of this. According to Jacobson, rules are a fundamental part of successful swinging.

"(Couples) really have to talk it out, figure out what they are comfortable with and what they are not comfortable with and then create a set of rules to suit their needs. Any time that these rules are broken or not the same for each partner, there are going to be problems" she explains.

It is not uncommon for jealousy to arise in swapping environments, which is why Anita insisted that kissing be excluded from all of their swinging encounters. "I find it much too intimate. Kissing is something for you and the one you love." Anita and Ravi also only ever interact with any given couple once. Ravi explains that he felt as though more than one encounter could complicate the boundaries between sexual and emotional intimacy.

"I am perfectly able to separate sexual intimacy (from) emotional intimacy, but Ravi feels more comfortable this way, and so it has become one of our most important rules," Anita explains.

The line between sexuality and emotional intimacy is a fine one to walk. Goldman's advice for swingers echoes that offered by Jacobson. He feels that rules such as those set out by Anita and Ravi reduce the likelihood of a partner feeling alienated or hurt. While he stresses the importance of rules, ultimately, Goldman feels that open lines of communication are the most important aspect of a healthy relationship.

Today Anita and Ravi both see themselves swinging for the foreseeable future. “I couldn’t imagine not swinging,” Anita says. “I enjoy the excitement, I enjoy the men and the women, and I love that Ravi also finds pleasure in this.”

Anita and Ravi are actually on the young side when it comes to the average age of swinger couples. Jacobson and Van place the average age of swinger couples frequenting their clubs in their 40’s or 50’s.

Despite their ages, the two have successfully transitioned into the realm of swinging and are living proof that the many presumptions about what swinging offers and what it says about those participating in it are both limited and flawed. Sometimes the most interesting surprises are in the places we are most afraid to look.

“I love my husband more than anyone on this earth. The fact that we express (our love) in a non-traditional way is only a small part of who we are.” Anita says.

Though swinging may not be the choice for you, it is very possible that your friends, family members or neighbours are closet swingers. The world is changing and with it, the ways we understand sexuality and liberal freedoms.

_{BY: SHANNON BUSTA / PUBLISHED: MAY 2010 ISSUE}